While the relationship contract is understood as unity in the good and in the bad; in truth, unity is rarely valid in the extreme. As unconscionable as that may sound at the outset, it is the healthier path to stronger bonds.
Few would argue for separation where concerns are resolvable and there is space to return to a beneficial equilibrium. Relationships often need work, and it is normal to make the effort together to reinforce the union.
Concerns come in when the situation does not improve, continuing to affect self-care. Not finding healing within the bond, first the individual is affected, and then the entire system is put in jeopardy.
It is common to feel betrayed when a partner leaves, as the only appropriate exit is through the grave. It is what we are told, and it is often what we vow to each other. There shouldn't be any reason to do so, and then as human beings walking on this earth, we find them.
When a partner chooses to step away for their healing, that can have agreed guidelines, and such is not necessary. Sometimes it is for a time, and sometimes it is permanent. With many variables in the mix, the manner of exit impacts the safety the other partner feels, even if only in retrospect.
If an individual leaves with integrity, it signals a certainty to their word. Their character is not as often called into question, and so the good times can be honored as such. A negative tint could make those the convenient times. If there is abuse or the fear of it, leaving in any way is important.
Keeping focus on the scope of the problem and not the scope of the leaver shines truth on what was. It may well still be sad, yet it may save the space from a disingenuous label. The problem was found to be larger than the relationship, not that the person was too "choose your slur" to best utilize the space.
Extreme circumstances are not common and either involve the exiter's past or are a systemic problem. Situations outside the bond can stress test the involved, and what is not about them can trigger what is.
If a person is not open to concerns from an unresolved past surfacing, they must choose a partner who has largely done their healing work. For reasons beyond their control, together tools may become untenable.
If a person is not open to disintegration from patterned behavior, responsiveness to extended pain points pushes out an event horizon. Listening goes a long way, and implementing protocols to rectify concerns is supportive. Such can help, and often, the problem is that the leaving partner's qualms have long been brushed aside.
While external crisis is not indicated in this definition of an extreme circumstance, what is true is that the participants experience the crisis. The situation may not be grounds for abandoning ship, and what it brings up for the individuals, might well feel unresolvable within the bond.
Every partnership's unity contract explicitly and more importantly implicitly can be different. It is a contract to the other, and as importantly, it is to the self. A breach in the decided values of a healthy space is as real in the beginning, in crisis, and in the end.
Most necessitate that the partner has tried significantly to heal (effort), has had conversations about how they are feeling (communication) and things still aren't getting better. Many even necessitate time spent doing so before they would green-light the extreme circumstance.
The idea here is that new thoughts and perhaps outside intervention might build bridges previously unimagined. The process is more instrumental than the outcome, for the same outcome done differently comes at a personal cost.
It is not necessary for partners to agree on how they see things, and simply witnessing each other allows ease. That ease creates space to continue to grow together, allowing a revaluation of if there is enough residual synergy to stay.
In some cultures, people hold on despite misalignment and subsequent damage. The relationship lasts and yet the ethos of that relationship is in pieces. It slows and can reverse mutual growth. It can even hamstring survival and taint the opportunities of offspring raised in that bond.
Holding onto the unity contract in the extreme becomes the betrayal of the relationship itself. Separating well allows space for a potential coming back together, and protects genuine successes from inclement shade.
If things aren't "that bad," they can probably be addressed within the edges of the relationship. This can be done individually, together, and with help from those well-versed in such problem-solving. Sometimes still, things feel "that bad."
In the spirit of effort, communication, and invested time, a purer integrity rests with healthy growth. Mutually deciding on continuity based on individual realities helps blunt any misgivings. You started beautifully, and if there is capacity, endings can be beautiful too.
~Frumi
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