Many of you have asked me why I’ve remained anonymous and my standard answer is that I want this experience to be about the reader and the writing. I felt like my inclusion in the equation would cloud understanding rather than add to it, and I was happy to empower from beyond sight.
As I work on upcoming projects and further chapters in the journey of Frumi; it became apparent that my purpose is better served by removing a layer of anonymity. Any in person undertaking I do, will simply not be as impactful behind a mask or screen.
I was comfortable with this proposition, and didn’t think too much about it. I have done plenty of public speaking in my life, and I have deep passion for the work I do. Whatever helps people see themselves more clearly is a role I am happy to take on.
As I got closer to the project launch (the first one soon to be disclosed), I started getting nervous. I started slowing down, and really dragging my feet.
A subtle form of self sabotage emerged that I just wasn’t okay with. It is normal to have fear sometimes; but here it was stopping me from my best self, and potentially even harming my cause.
I delved into my thoughts and emotions looking for the root of this fear. It seemed so out of context, given the way I express myself through writing. I wasn’t looking to reject the emotion, but I was certainly confused as to where it was coming from.
In the past this is likely where I would have derailed and imploded, but for me the work I do is far too important. I realized that behind the true reason that I provided my followers, there was another truth of a more sinister nature.
Ever since a very young age I locked my room door; too short at the time, I used a stool to reach the latch. I protected myself how I could from traumas I faced, and even shut myself off from my parents.
They had been quite negligent in my childhood and lacked desire to see me for who I was. I thought to myself; if my family didn’t want to see me, why would anybody else? This wasn’t my conscious thought, but certainly seems like a prospective limiting belief.
I grew up with a father who “loved me”, but made me feel very unworthy. If both him and my mother saw me as unworthy to truly know; maybe there was something bad about me at my core? To be seen is to be loved; so for many years I lived my life believing that I was unworthy of the emotion.
It wasn’t just that I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved by other people or even partners. In many ways I didn’t love my own self, and chose situations to perpetuate that trauma. Buried underneath layers and layers of shame; neither did I know me, and neither did anyone else.
You find value and love in my work, when you can’t see my face. The fear then is: would you value the thoughts I express if you could?
Life is a journey in which we continue to learn, develop and heal. I feel I have a nuanced awareness and understanding of who I am now, yet love myself enough to continue to touch base with my core.
The hard work I put in over the years to empower myself and others; paid of personally in that I was aware of this emotion as it came up. Clarity here allows me to choose differently than I have in the past.
If my parents didn’t see me; it is not because I am unworthy. They can’t see me, because they struggle to truly see themselves. They cannot see the trauma they pass on to me, as may well have been passed on to them. “Running in the family”; we all have the choice to stop it with us.
Being afraid is acceptable, but acting without courage is not. Where anonymity serves, I will maintain it. Where it doesn’t; I will embrace the new challenge.
In the light of conscious thought fear has faded. Neither a rebel to it, nor a slave; I am authentically myself. The specter of an old scarecrow has easily been identified and torn down.
Once upon a time I didn’t know myself, needing validation from outside sources. Wiser and more practiced now; I know we are worthy, simply because we are born.
~Frumi
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